thatgrrrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what's going on... a line of fire I think I must be in a somewhat emotionally fragile state of mind right now, and I'm not sure why exactly. Exhibit 1: Yesterday afternoon, we went over to C and Susan's for T-giving dinner, which was fine and good and when we came home, everything was ok. However, eventually, after a while, I noticed that I hadn't seen PCat (the one who sleeps with me every night and is MY cat) since we got home. I looked around for her a little, and then figured that she would show up when I went to bed. D and NS had already gone up to bed, so I tucked myself in, and waited for the cat. No cat. Got up, looked around some more downstairs, no cat, went upstairs and overheard a snippet of conversation between D and NS, something about "socks in the living room" and him replying he would try to do better. Well, I figured there was some discussion going on and I wouldn't bother them about the cat. So I went back down to my bedroom and got back in bed, and thoughts kept going around and around in my head, and where's the cat, and what if she's hurt, and what were they talking about, and did I do something wrong and I just don't know it, and there was NO WAY I was going to go to sleep without some closure. So I got back up and went back upstairs and asked The Boy (did I mention that their son is here for T-giving visiting? yes, and he's actually pretty cool for an 18 year old kid) asked him if he'd seen the cat (he was on the phone with his gf back at home) but no, he hadn't, so then I went upstairs and asked JE if he'd seen the cat, and no, but he helped me look in some places, and then I knocked on the doorframe of D and NS's room and asked them if they'd seen her, but no, and I was getting frantic, and finally I opened the hall linen closet door, the one with the pillows on the floor of it, and guess who popped out. Yes. The stupid cat. Who was perfectly happy to spend several HOURS in the closet, probably mostly sleeping, and was perfectly happy to come out and go have a snack and use the litterbox, and so I went downstairs to wait for her to show up, and I was a little upset, so I was putting away the last load of my laundry (it was almost midnight by then) and D came down, carrying said cat, delivering her to her duty station, and he said, are you ok? which of course when I said, I'm fine, and started sobbing, told him that no, I wasn't even close to fine. He shut the door and turned out the light and came and let me cry on his shoulder, and what came out was this: I felt completely alone. No cat. No person. Nobody. Completely alone. And I didn't want to interrupt whatever they were talking about, doing, whatever it was, and I felt completely isolated from everyone and everything and didn't know if I'd done something wrong or what was going on and where the cat was and it was awful. Eventually, I stopped crying and then I was ok, and I went to sleep with my cat and my white noise CD going and I was ok. And things are ok, and what they were talking about wasn't a bad thing, it was just something that D and I need to adjust in how we co-parent JE, need to give him positive reinforcement, which I completely agree with, but I just hadn't noticed that we weren't doing it. So that's all fine. That was last night. Exhibit 2: We all 5 went to the movies today, but D, NS and JE went to see the new Harry Potter movie, and TheBoy and I went to see the Johnny Cash movie, Walk The Line. This movie was GREAT. I have the title song in my head, and I think I will for a long long time. There were two points in the movie where a song brought me to tears, literally. And they felt like the tears of truth that I discovered while I was in therapy. The songs were I Walk The Line (1956) and Ring of Fire (1963). Now, I was born in November of 1963, so both of those songs were out WAY before I was born. However, my parents were both big fans of Johnny Cash, and so I heard a lot of his music the first few years of my life. Strangely enough, and I think this was just a casting anomaly, the guy who played Johnny Cash's dad looks a LOT like my dad, but that's not the connection, I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure. Although he DID have a lot of the same coldness and distance that my dad did. But anyway, it was those 2 songs that really hit me hard, to the point where I had to sniff and take off my glasses and wipe my eyes. There are a few other songs from various points in my life that can bring me to tears like that, maybe 5 all together. I wouldn't be able to list them out, but I bet if I kept a list, and put dates on the songs that do that, I might find a connection. Maybe times in my life where things were happening that were important, REALLY important. Turning points, so to speak. Although what was happening in the first 3 years of my life that might have been that important, I have no idea. If I come up with any reason why these two songs (lyrics below) affected me like they did, I'm sure I'll have more to say about it. Also, if I think of any other songs, I've made a file called "songs that make me cry.txt" and I'll be adding to that. I don't imagine it'll be a huge file. At least I hope it's not. I Walk The Line I keep a close watch on this heart of mine I find it very, very easy to be true As sure as night is dark and day is light You've got a way to keep me on your side I keep a close watch on this heart of mine Ring of Fire Love is a burning thing I fell into a burning ring of fire The taste of love is sweet I fell into a burning ring of fire I fell into a burning ring of fire 8:06 p.m. - 2005-11-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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