thatgrrrl's Diaryland Diary


What do you get?

Meltdown. Add one eight-year-old with more energy than a golden retriever with ADHD plus a 40ish geekgrrrl who likes the QUIET and the SOLITUDE apparently a little too much equals a meltdown last night. Even with my reading room completely outfitted, including a brandnew down throw, perfect for the big chair, still, it was time for a meltdown.

I spent too much time in the company of said eight-year-old yesterday, and didn't realize, until it was past too late, that I needed a break, a breather, a gasp of quietude. I didn't snap AT him, but I did snap. And his mom, NS, started thinking about going home on Monday, instead of next Sunday. And crying. And then when she and D came up to my room, then I started crying. And D was helpless, basically. But we took a break, and took a breather, and tried again, and I think it's going to be ok.

I told D that I would need his help in determining when I needed to take a break. And if he sees me starting to get overloaded, that he should do more than make a suggestion that I take a break, sometimes I need more direction than just a hint. As in, "You NEED to go read for a while, do it NOW."

Yes, before someone gets hurt.

I need to learn where my tolerance ends, where my breakpoint is, when to step back and take a breath. How much I can take.

And, I think it didn't help that I was probably ovulating yesterday. Not that that's an excuse, but it was a contributing factor.

As part of the discussion, the part that was just me and D, I again put forth the suggestion that when NS and the child move down here, perhaps it should be ME that gets a place of her own, not NS and the child. The three of them can live in this house, and I can live somewhere close by. Not only would that give me the quiet that I need, it would give me the privacy and autonomy that I crave sometimes. I would be able to receive visitors whenever I chose.

So it would have multiple benefits, in my opinion. Of course, D looks at it like I would be "going away". But honestly, we're little more than roommates right now. He didn't like it when I said last night that I'm a chauffeur and an accountant for him. He said that when he was in the hospital, that I was what kept him from giving up. Right, I don't believe that he was ever anywhere close to "giving up". I just don't. And I told him that. He said, I was closer than you ever knew. Well, obviously, but I still don't believe it.

Anyway, I was off Friday, and I'm officially off work tomorrow, Monday, but it's possible that I might go in to work for a while.

Yes, just to get out of the house.

Christmas was nice, blah blah blah, and all that jazz. Jaded much? Yes, thanks for asking.

3:07 p.m. - 2004-12-26


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