thatgrrrl's Diaryland Diary


one of three things is going on...

I don't know if I'm just tired, or if I'm a little depressed as a result of the successful go-live and the ensuing letdown after the intensity of the last month, or if I'm missing MT and the several-times-daily contact we've been having since the beginning of fall. Or maybe it's all of those.

Tired: definitely. When the hours worked in a week go over 60, that makes me tired. I'm not used to it.

Depressed: probably. After going going going for such a long time, at such an intense pace, with such a clearly defined goal, and now it's done, it's less of a relief than a let-down.

Missing MT: I think so. He's such a constant presence in my life that when he's gone, out of touch, it's like an aching void.

And also, D is home now. You might think that MT's absence would be offset by D's presence, but no. D's presence simply makes me more aware of MT's absence. Makes me realize how quiet it was when he (D) wasn't here. And how much I enjoyed that solitude. And the ability to spend time with MT, even if not in person.

If D had come home, and MT wasn't out of touch, this would only be half as unbearable. Or if MT was out of touch, and D was still gone, again, only half as unbearable.

But for both to happen at the same time........ it's hard. It's really hard. And there is nobody to talk to about it. The only person in my life right now who knows anything at all about MT is my friend KU at work, and she doesn't know much at all about him, only that I chat with him online, and saw him a few weeks ago, and that I've known him for over 10 years.

So it's hard.

7:37 p.m. - 2005-01-18


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