thatgrrrl's Diaryland Diary


Where's she going with that thing?

I was thinking the other day, or was it while I was falling asleep, yeah, that's when it was, because if it was during the day I would have written it down, but I didn't, so yeah, I was thinking the other night as I was falling asleep, about how much of two parts I am.

What does that mean? I am a walking dichotomy, or contradiction.

I want to fit in, but I want to be different.

I'm grown up and in charge most of the time, but sometimes I want my Daddy to take care of me.

I look at myself naked every morning, but yet I'm surprised at how fat I look when I'm dressed.

I'm married, but I haven't had sex with my husband for over 4 years. I had a girlfriend for 3 of those years, and the last 6 months of that relationship, I didn't have sex with her either.

I have a younger sister, and we both feel like we grew up only children.

My mother admits she has no parenting skills, and sometimes wonders just how we survived. Emotional neglect was a constant.

My father was there physically, but has apparently saved all his emotional presence for my sister's kids.

I grew up in Alaska, and don't like the cold weather at all anymore.

I would like to be my cat in my next life. The life she leads is very appealing to me. Sleeping 22.5 hours a day, being carried from room to room sometimes, being snuggled and petted and loved on.

I have MS, and have had 3 flareups in the last 8 years. I currently take Rebif, self-injected 3x a week.

I am -always- on a computer, either here at home, or at work.

I have a reading room, with many books that I haven't read yet, and a big chaise lounge to sit in while I read. I haven't been in there all week.

I was married in college for 5 years. That marriage ended when I met my current husband. We have been married since 1989. 16 years this May.

I have no children, just cats, and have no wish to have children. Also, no ability anymore. I had my tubes tied when I was 25. I don't "get" kids. They need to grow up already!

I'm in Mensa.

I would like to meet someone who lives close by me, who could be my Daddy. Daddy wouldn't have to be a male person, could be a butch lesbian too.

I have talked with my husband about that, and he doesn't seem to be interested. Besides, he's got his other wife, and they have their son in common, and, while she doesn't live here (yet), they're very close.

He's going to visit her for 10 days starting tomorrow morning. While he's gone, I'm going to organize all his damn CDs (computers again). Right now, they're all over his computer desk in piles. Makes me crazy!

While he's gone, I will also do things that he doesn't like to do, including eat pasta salad, drink wine, indulge in some herbal self-medication, hang with my ex-girlfriend and her gf and their cats, watch funny movies while high (if you've got any suggestions for movies, please put them in the comments!!), clean the house, and whatever else I think of. Maybe meet my Daddy.

Wow, this entry took a turn from dichotomy to stream-of-consciousness it's all about ME kind of rambling. But I guess that's what it's all about. :)

6:37 a.m. - 2005-03-18


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: