thatgrrrl's Diaryland Diary



And can anyone tell me exactly why everyone around me is so fucking certain that any or all of the following are true?

I'm going too fast, or I lied to them, or I'm dishonest, or I'm just spiraling out of control. You're just "saying what I want to hear" and "it'll fall apart eventually" and "it can't be truth so quickly".

Doc laid an amateur guilt trip on me about his family vacation and how he'd changed his plans and blah blah blah and I'd been deceitful and dishonest and he'd expected better of me.

Should I have waited to tell him, till some arbitrary time had passed? Why? When I knew that I didn't think he was going to meet my needs, and I knew that I'd found one who feels like he will, why wait to tell him? Wouldn't that be even MORE deceitful than he thinks I was already?

Imagine, if I kept seeing Ed, and met Doc, and didn't tell him about Ed, and my feelings for Ed, just let him continue believing that he might have a chance with me. Would that have been better? I think not.

D thinks maybe I should continue to see other people. I said, what's the point of that? That would be more people disappointed in me than already are. Yeah, I need THAT like I need a hole in my head.


After I left Ed this afternoon, driving back home, I called D to propose that I see Ed tomorrow, after work, with our friend Ellen in attendance as chaperone. His response? No, bad idea, that would be 3 days in a row. You need to take a break. Ok, fine, even though I hate that, he's probably right.

And then he sends me this long letter, D does:

I figure you're still pretty pissed at me right now. I am definitely NOT trying to pee in your Fruit Loops. That's the last thing I want to do.

But I want you to understand where I am coming from. First of all, and the most important thing is that I am trying my best to make sure you are safe. Safe in both mind and body. I know how you can be, and how you have been in the past. Now, yes, that was then, and this is now. You're not the same person as back then. But I have to try and consider both as I do what you have specifically asked me to do for you, and that is to keep you grounded in some part of reality while you look for what you need. I truly want you to have that. If I didn't, I wouldn't be writing this, because it wouldn't matter, but it does matter.

Now, here are my concerns, and I'm trying to be as rational as I can be here without making any judgments.

First, on the surface, and in the first little while, this seems like the very thing you're looking for. Perhaps it is. It would be very cool if it was. But you barely know Edward, no matter how intensely you feel at present. He is saying all the right things, and playing to what he sees as your specific needs. Certainly, this is understandable. He's attracted to you. But I want you to keep the fact that you know not terribly much about him yet. Time and patience will fill those details in, and you'd both be the better for it.

Also, I haven't met him yet, and you said that was important to you for me to meet him before you got seriously involved. Has that changed? I hope not, but if so, then I think you should tell me.

Because of the above, I am a little suspicious. I'm not ruling anything out. I promise. He stated that he was fine about meeting me first. Has this slipped his mind, knowing that I'm out of town? If he's respecting your wish and need to go slowly, is he pressuring you to go forward? I don't know if he is or not, I'm just wondering.

The other thing that I truly want you to avoid is your previous pattern of behavior where these kinds of relationships are concerned. You start out so intensely, then things fade, and you find yourself either trapped something you don't know how to get out of, or in something where you just go through the motions and you get little satisfaction.

When you asked me to be sure you stayed grounded, I accepted that task knowing that it was not an easy one. I knew that sometimes I would have to tell you things that you wouldn't want to hear. That it would in fact seem as though I actually "didn't" want you to be happy in that way. This is very much not true. I love you very much. I always will. That won't ever change. And I will continue to take care of you. Now, and for as long as you need me to. I do it because I love you, because you need me to, and because I want to. I know that the smart girl I know you to be understands where I'm at, and how hard it is to tell you the "hard" things sometimes, whether you want to hear them or not. I know that you might resent me for saying them, at least for the time being, but I hope not for long. But here, at the beginning is where you need my help the most. I am trying, without being over-protective, to watch out for you.

Lastly, no matter what, I will be there if something goes wrong. I am definitely not saying that I expect things to go wrong. But just like before, I will be there to hold you and dry your tears and tell you that you'll be OK if anything happens. Seeing you that way is much harder than having you be annoyed with me today. Much harder.

Please don't forget that I do love you. I always have, through everything we've gone through, and I always will, no matter what.


So, insert happy smiling face here, and try really hard to believe it. Let me know if that works.

I had a wonderful morning with Ed at the county park. We met there about 9:15, and did pretty much the same as we did yesterday: sat and talked and kissed and walked and talked and kissed. Sure, there was a little more fondling and pinching and some major body shudders. But no clothes were removed (well, ok, just my bra, but shirt stayed ON at all times). I did NOT give him a blowjob. Nor a handjob. Nor did I fuck him, or let him fuck me. In case you were wondering. Nobody's pants came off, or down.

And I'm not going to see him again until at least Thursday after work. At least not as far as I know. He told me that he might go to the beach tomorrow and play golf on Wednesday and come back on Thursday, if he wasn't going to see me tomorrow. And since that's been nixed, then he'll probably go to the beach. And I'll go to work and hope like hell that I can be really really busy there.

Well, time to go feed the cats.

4:28 p.m. - 2005-05-30


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