thatgrrrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- daddy, daddy, who's got the daddy? My new car is GREAT! :) And that's really all I have to say about that. This weekend, C is coming up on Saturday because she has a doctor's appt up here on Monday morning. She's not coming on Sunday because she doesn't want to drive one day and then drive back the next day. She wants to have a day of rest in between. How appropriate that it will be on Sunday. I told her last night that we could go to church on Sunday, we'll just walk down the road to the little white Baptist church at the end of the street. She laughed. So did I. Because I was kidding. Neither one of us is religious at all. Not at ALL. Neither is D, for that matter. And I don't feel a lack in my life because of that, in case you were wondering. Last night at group, A wasn't there, so it was just me and M and Ricki. This is probably a completely inappropriate thought to have, but M's legs were totally distracting me last night. She's very petite, very slender, probably a size 2, with long long brown legs (she's from Iran). She paints her nails and likes to wear short dresses and strappy sandals. And she was looking HOT last night. A very nice (short) peach colored sheath dress. And those long brown legs. And strappy black sandals. Yum. I would never EVER tell her that, because that would be (say it with me now) "in-appro-pri-ate". *shrug* To say, not necessarily to have those thoughts. But anyway, group was ok. Ricki came up with this for me: "Maybe you'd like to tell group about your rage toward your father." !!!!! What she and I talked about on Thursday was how I remember him: cold, not affectionate, distant, and the comments about how I was too fat (always) and how I shouldn't bite my fingernails (always). But rage? Enraged? Want to kill him? That's a little extreme. Ok, a LOT extreme. I don't think that I feel that strongly toward him. She described him as sadistic. I disagreed, she insisted. Again, extreme, IMO. He's just like a non-entity. Except that's not quite right either. He's like a negative space in my life. Or a space containing negativity. I'm sure she thinks that the fact that he's not my "biological" father has contributed a huge amount to our relationship, or lack thereof. My mom got pregnant in college when she and my dad (that raised me) had a fight and she went off and slept with a guy that she'd broken up with once. Then, when she told him, she and my dad (that raised me) got married, 7 months before I was born. Because that was in 1963, and that's what you did back then. My bio-father was a non-entity in my life. I never met him. My mom told me about him a little bit many years ago. I don't remember how THAT disclosure came about. About the only other discussion of him was recently, in the last year or so, when he died, she happened upon his obituary, and she sent it to me, and asked me to see what I could find out on the internet about him. Turned out to be nothing much. She was wondering if he'd died of anything related to MS, but I didn't find anything about "cause of death". Anyway, obviously my dad knows that he's NOT my bio-father. And I knew it too, eventually. I think I became aware of it in high school sometime. And who can say how that fact, that knowledge, affected our relationship, or connection, or lack thereof? In either direction, I suppose. It's almost like I have this image of him as a cardboard figure of a man, fairly two-dimensional and unchanging, unfeeling. There must be more to him than that. If for no other reason than it would be terrible for my mom to have been married to that for 39 years so far. And I won't even start on how this might be related to that whole "daddy" issue/idea that I was going on about last week. I mean, give Freud a break for one night. He's probably exhausted already! 8:13 p.m. - 2002-06-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||