thatgrrrl's Diaryland Diary


alone in the crowd

Yesterday, I went to Pride with C (my ex-gf) because Susan (her partner) had training and couldn't go. It's in my town, so she drove an hour from where they have moved to so she could go and sing with her chorus group and sit in their booth. She asked if I wanted to go, and I said sure, as long as it's ok with Susan. Because at the beginning of their relationship Susan had a little problem with jealousy. Anyway, it was ok, so I went.

Pride is full of lesbians holding hands and gay men kissing and lots of talk of equality and don't tell me who I can love and how I can love and everyone is paired up (although I did see one 3-some, 2 girls holding hands and the one girl also holding hands with a guy) or in groups of their friends (and probably ex-lovers, because that's just how the whole gay scene works usually).

And then there was me. A single what? Not a lesbian, because I'm married and I"m involved in an extramarital relationship with a man. Not straight, because I have had several lesbian lovers in the past, and will probably again in the future. Ok, so bi-sexual. Right. I get that.

However, being bi-sexual, in a crowd of people who are either 100% gay or 100% lesbian, means just one thing to me: I didn't fit in. I felt like an imposter being there, although not as much of one as I used to when I thought I was a lesbian who happened to be married to a man. Only HALF as much of one.

People say, I identify as gay or I identify as lesbian or I identify as straight. Bisexual people don't, or can't, choose one or the other or the other. It sounds good on paper.... oh, I can choose ANYone and it'll be right for me. But to me, it feels like I'm on the periphery of everyone, looking in.

The other thing that came to the forefront of my consciousness yesterday (last night at bedtime specifically) is that I am alone in my own house. Or at least it felt like that. D and N interact more than I do with either of them. They have more to talk about. They have more to laugh about in the course of their talking.

D is going to visit his mom for a week, leaving today, coming back next Saturday morning. Last night, D and N were obviously having a last fuck before he leaves, right over my head. Normally, they wait till I am asleep, so I don't have to hear it. We all went to bed at about the same time (10pm) last night (me downstairs, them upstairs) and they didn't wait. I turned up my bayou on the iPod and tried to go to sleep. I think I dozed, but didn't end up going all the way to sleep till about 1am.

I have more affectionate interaction with PCat and MCat than my own husband. And I use the word husband in the loosest possible terms. Legally, we are married. Financially, we are married. Emotionally, not so much. Emotionally, he's married to N.

It's a puzzlement. And when I start thinking about it, it makes me sad. It makes me think about calling R, an ex-lover from years ago who lives in NH. It makes me wish that MT were going to visit soon. It makes me think about working extra hours. It makes me want Ed to visit me and hold me and stroke my hair and call me his kitten.

Which is probably why, the last year or so, I've been reading so very many books (73 so far this year, 68 in all of 2005). Because reading about someone else's life, whether real or fictional, allows me to not think about my own.

8:06 a.m. - 2006-10-01


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